Personal Progress #1

Sorry I've been away for a while - it's nearly GCSEs and I've been so busy! Just thoght I'd update this blog on my process :)

I get weighed once or twice a week at the moment, and yesterday I found out I am 0.1kg away from my target band! (A band is a 1kg zone where you are supposed to be at). I am so excited; I was so hopeless a few months ago because I never thought I'd get there. I felt so depressed- what was the point in trying if I couldn't do it?
Well to anyone out there recovering who is reading this, just rememeber that no matter how likely or unlikely it seems, it is possible.

I've been eating out every so often, and I'm actually learning to enjoy it again! I had the most delicious brownie, which feels pretty weird to have to be honest; it's just so odd that I'm finally at the stage I can have that and enjoy it again. Of course the guilt comes with it, but I can learn to deal with that. At least the rational part of me knows it is good and urges me to keep going.

I've eaten lunch at school a few times over the last 3 weeks, which is actually a huge achievement for me as it's hard being there to eat when it reminds me of how I was when I was at my worst. But now I know that there is more to life than being skinny, and I don't want to be that sad and scared little girl now. It's time to enjoy the rest of my life and the opertunities that will only come if I am well.

I now go to school 5 mornings a week and 3 afternoons, and I'm doing alright at catching up the work. I don't really feel part of a group at school- but I have 4 amazing best friends who have stuck by me through everything, and I would not be where I am without their wonderful support and love <3 (So if any of you read this; thank you, from the bottom of my heart).

My body image isn't great, but I'm learning to just move past the fact that I think I look fat, and just accept my body for the way it is. We will all have areas of our bodies we don't like, whether you have an eating disorder or not, but life isn't about your physical apperance. Looks don't matter- you can do anything you want, regardless of your shape and size. Well, that's what I've learnt. Confidence is all you need, and I will work on that [my confidence is that of a gnat].

Hope you're all doing well, and hope this wasn't too boring! Just wanted to show that it is possible to get back to a normal life after having an eating disorder :)

Hannah xox

Attitude Towards The Past

Today is day 5 of Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2014.
(It's gone by so quickly!)

Before when I looked back at the past, I saw only the bad things that I had done and the people I had upset. Instead of thinking "Well, I just have to move forwards from this and learn from my mistakes", which would be the logical and healthier attitude towards it, I would think, "I have done so many bad things in my life, and I deserve the same pain back so I should punish myself. I was mean and therefore I do not deserve happiness". But that is wrong. Everyone deserves happiness. Yes, everyone will feel sad at points in their life, but at the same time, you should also experience happiness.

"Don't let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future take away from the happiness of your present"

Image via here.

Without sadness you cannot truly feel happiness, so yes- to a certain extent everyone is sad at some point and that isn't a bad thing.

You have the right to feel any emotion; no matter how silly or stupid you think your emotion is, you are allowed to feel like that, and it is much better to accept how you are feeling and learn how to deal with it and move on, than not accept it and struggle to ever let yourself feel emotions.

I think partly my eating disorder developed as a way of punishing myself. And now that I've had therapy and learnt to understand mental health and recovery better, I have no realised that punishing myself won't change anything; It will only leave me to regret more things about my past.

Instead of regretting having an eating disorder, I am thankful for all I have learnt from it, and the people I may be able to help with my experience.

There is always a positive and a negative way of looking at every situation, and I think it's time I started focusing on the positive, and that's my tip for anyone reading this post too.

So, instead of judging your past, take a deep breath, and let go.
It's never too late to start again and become that person you've always wanted to be.

Hannah xox

Quotes from my diary #1

Reading back through my diary, and I thought I could post any bits I've written which have helped me at times when I was struggling.
Shoot me down in flames if it's a bad idea! Or comment if you want me to do more.

8/10/13
Feeling guilty and fat and all the rest of it, but you know what? I'm so sick of not being able to do things I love. I want my life back, so it's time to snatch it away from that bitch Ana and FIGHT!
You can get through anything if you believe you can an you fight hard enough.
You have to WANT to do it. You need to WANT to get better.
And I do. I really do.

Hannah xox