Personal Progress #1

Sorry I've been away for a while - it's nearly GCSEs and I've been so busy! Just thoght I'd update this blog on my process :)

I get weighed once or twice a week at the moment, and yesterday I found out I am 0.1kg away from my target band! (A band is a 1kg zone where you are supposed to be at). I am so excited; I was so hopeless a few months ago because I never thought I'd get there. I felt so depressed- what was the point in trying if I couldn't do it?
Well to anyone out there recovering who is reading this, just rememeber that no matter how likely or unlikely it seems, it is possible.

I've been eating out every so often, and I'm actually learning to enjoy it again! I had the most delicious brownie, which feels pretty weird to have to be honest; it's just so odd that I'm finally at the stage I can have that and enjoy it again. Of course the guilt comes with it, but I can learn to deal with that. At least the rational part of me knows it is good and urges me to keep going.

I've eaten lunch at school a few times over the last 3 weeks, which is actually a huge achievement for me as it's hard being there to eat when it reminds me of how I was when I was at my worst. But now I know that there is more to life than being skinny, and I don't want to be that sad and scared little girl now. It's time to enjoy the rest of my life and the opertunities that will only come if I am well.

I now go to school 5 mornings a week and 3 afternoons, and I'm doing alright at catching up the work. I don't really feel part of a group at school- but I have 4 amazing best friends who have stuck by me through everything, and I would not be where I am without their wonderful support and love <3 (So if any of you read this; thank you, from the bottom of my heart).

My body image isn't great, but I'm learning to just move past the fact that I think I look fat, and just accept my body for the way it is. We will all have areas of our bodies we don't like, whether you have an eating disorder or not, but life isn't about your physical apperance. Looks don't matter- you can do anything you want, regardless of your shape and size. Well, that's what I've learnt. Confidence is all you need, and I will work on that [my confidence is that of a gnat].

Hope you're all doing well, and hope this wasn't too boring! Just wanted to show that it is possible to get back to a normal life after having an eating disorder :)

Hannah xox

A snack here, a snack there...

Photo via here

I'm sure many of you feel the same way about snacking as me: that if you have 3 main meals AND 3 snacks, or more, you will gain TONS of weight and will turn into a potato within a few days.

Well you know what guys?

That's Ed talking. 

That simply isn't true!

You are NOT going to turn into a vegetable (in any situation this would be highly unlikely) just from eating a little bit more!

Most of the time when you think you are eating so much more than everyone else, you are actually only eating a normal amount of maybe even less!

Yet again- that's Ed playing tricks!

When you've lost weight and you've been eating too little, your body needs the fuel to repair your cells and keep your internal organs safe and running. Surprisingly, a few kilograms really doesn't make much difference to the way you look, much of it will go to padding your internal organs etc to make sure they are well protected and can run properly.

Photo via here

Also, most of us see ourselves a lot bigger than we actually are.

If you are underweight there is no way you are fat! - whatever you might see.

If you aren't underweight and you have a healthy BMI with an eating disorder, it must be such a huge struggle- but you shouldn't compare yourself to others. You should be proud of the fact that your body is healthy even if your mind isn't quite, and you should work on the mental things until your ED is gone for good.

And can I just point out, is "fat" the worst a person can be? 

People who judge you on how you look don't deserve to be part of your life. However cheesy it ,at sound, it's true: it's what's on the inside that counts.

Also, snacking is completely normal! Tons of my friends snack all the time, they eat loads of chocolate and biscuits and "unhealthy" foods without a care, and they aren't fat!

People eat food to enjoy it. It's time we started to do that again.

I know many people with EDs hate eating in front of other people or in public (myself included), but really- everyone eats and most people don't think twice about it!

- who really cares if there's a girl sitting on a beach in the park eating a chocolate bar?

Who cares if you're walking down the high street and you see a boy eating a packet of crisps?

No one. Most people don't even think about it, let alone judge someone because they are eating or what they're eating! 

So why not just eat wherever? Yes, people who know you have an eating disorder might just keep am eye on you to check you are eating, but that's only because they care and they want to help. 

And if you eat something and you think it's really yummy? Good for you! Don't let Ed make you feel guilty by saying you shouldn't be enjoying food- because you should!

People eat for all sorts of reasons, not just if they are hungry!

People eat when they're bored, tired, emotional, at a social event- anything!

Eating is just part of life- Ed us just a lying twat.

***

I think I've made most of my points here, sorry it was so long! 

I hope this helps someone. Thinking about it all and writing it down has really helped me.

***

So, my lessons from this post?

.
- eat what you want

- where you want

- when you want.

- snacking is a normal human behaviour

- no one cares what or when you eat

- nobody in public will stare at you for eating

- Ed will often try to trick you- so watch out!

- "fat" is not the worst a person can

- have people in your life who care about who you are, not what you look like

- enjoy food because that's what it's there for!

***

I'll leave you with this little photo which made me smile.

Let's all have the same attitude as Winnie the Pooh.

Photo from here

- Hannah xox

For The First Time - my lyrics

I'm currently on bed rest at home (waiting for a bed to become available at an inpatient unit >.< ) so I decided to carry on with my blog a bit more.

I started writing these lyrics a few days ago and I wasn't going to do anything with them, but seeing as I have time I thought I'd share it with you.

My lyrics are about the battle in my head and my thoughts with anorexia- it isn't triggering but it isn't exactly happy either.

Please tell me what you think of it and if you want me to publish more song lyrics/poems/writing.

***

This is For The First Time, by The Script.

Have no idea why I chose this song, I just started writing lyrics to it and had it in my head!