True values

"I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. 

Sometimes in smiles."   - Wintergirls

Hannah xox

I am not ashamed. I am PROUD.

So many people hide their eating disorders from others, even if they are close friends or family, people feel ashamed of their illness.

So many people aren't open about their eating disorders, and feel people will judge them if they knew.

The truth is, if they did judge you or treat you any differently because of your eating disorder, then they can't be very good friends.

You are RECOVERING. You are seeking help! Goodness, you are one of the bravest, strongest people alive! Not many people have the courage to fight their demons. But you, well you are challenging your thoughts everyday and beating your illness! And if you aren't in recovery, you really should start- it is never doing to be easy, but boy I promise you, it is worth it.

Why hide your illness? Why be ashamed? We should be PROUD to say that we are recovering from our illness, that we have a mental illness that is combined with physical, yet we are not going to give in and let it rule our lives any longer. We will fight. And that, you must all agree, is incredible in itself.
Just like any addiction, our disorders can be hard to let go of and give up. But hard doesn't mean impossible- a hundred years ago people would have thought it impossible to go to the moon, but it happened! So ignore what other people may think; recovery IS possible. For anyone.

Everyone in my family and year group at school know about my anorexia. But you know what? They don't judge me. They sent me a card, a few gave me presents, they all wished me the best luck in recovery. And you know what else? They all told me how brave I was and how they were all there to support me.
They may not understand the illness, but they didn't judge me. And that was the final blow to my stupid anorexia, all it does is lie and tell you everyone hates you and you are worthless, but all of my friends DO love me and they DO care about me. So screw anorexia, I vote for recovery any day.

I know this was a short post, but I also hope it was one that was worthwhile.
Keep fighting everyone, we can do this.

Hannah xox

We won't quit

"It doesn't matter how slowly you go, 

as long as you don't stop."

Hannah xox 

My Meal Plan

I've just been through a rough time and a relapse, but now I'm back and kicking butt with recovery!

I just got given my new meal plan, so I thought I'd share it with you guys- because I remember when I first started recovery and didn't have a meal plan I was completely at loss with what I should be eating and how much!

My meal plan I'm on at the moment is about 1800 to 2000 calories, but obviously this changes from person to person, and I know I'll be increasing next week! (If you want me to upload my weekly meal plans just say and I will!)

So don't for a minute look at this and think:

"She eats less than me and she's in recovery, so it's for me to eat less like her".

X --------------------------------------------- WRONG --------------------------------------------- X

No matter what stage you are at in recovery, we cannot compete with each other.

Anorexia and eating disorders are no game- they are dangerous, horrible illnesses. And we should not encourage each other! Stick to the guidance of the professionals when you can, but this plan is here for those who are either curious, or those who perhaps haven't got a meal plan but are eating around the same amount of calories and would like a plan.
Sorry, just had to say that bit and make it clear!


Just a few quick things you might want to know before reading my meal plan:

• The reason I drink goats milk is just because cows milk makes my eczema worse and I prefer the taste, I think it's sweeter and nicer than cows milk.
• Part of my meal plan is drinking a pint (500ml) of full fat milk a day, which is why I have so much milk on my meal plan! Calcium is important for bones ☺
• This meal plan is designed to make you gain 0.5kg a week, though that depends what weight to height you are, the rate of your metabolism, how much or little you've been eating etc.

***

MEAL PLAN: {1800-2000 kcal}

BREAKFAST

2 weetabix w/ 200ml goats milk
100ml yogurt (petit filous)
200ml apple juice

MORNING SNACK

Cereal bar
E.g. Nature Valley, eat natural etc.

LUNCH

Quiche / Pasta with sauce / Bagel with full fat tuna and mayonnaise filler
200ml apple juice
100ml yogurt (petit filous OR chocolate shape yogurt)

AFTERNOON SNACK

200ml goats milk
Piece of fruit

DINNER

Whatever mum cooks!
200ml apple juice
3 x days a week - FULL pudding, e.g. Ice cream or apple crumble etc
4 x days a week - 100ml yogurt (petit filous)

EVENING SNACK

200ml goats milk
2 biscuits

***

I personally find that writing my meal plan out on an A3 sheet of paper using felt tips and making it look pretty helps me, because I can stick it to my wall and it looks nice, and it reminds me of what I have to eat.

It also allows you to have that element of control- if you are forcing yourself to eat everything on your mealplan despite what your head may be saying, then that just proves how strong you are!

I hope that having a look at this meal plan has helped you or perhaps given you some ideas for formulating your own meal plan!

Hannah xox

We get back up

"Fall down seven times, 

stand up eight."

This is a simple message - short but sweet.

However many times we fall, we have to get back up again. Things will work out.

Hannah xox

Food Diary - Pros and Cons

I have been keeping a food diary since the very first day I got diagnosed with anorexia and embarked upon this difficult but worthwhile journey of recovery.
So from the 9th of May 2013 to this very day I have written down everything I have eaten, and sometimes jotting down how I'm feeling next  to it.

***

Where do I keep my food diary?
You can keep your food diary in a notebook, you can print off food diary sheets online, you can even get food diary smartphone apps- my personal favourite being RR, where you write down what you eat but also how you feel on scales of 1-5, which is quick but gives you a good idea of how you are doing when you look back at it. It can also draw graphs for you of your mood or how often you are binging etc. which can be very helpful to see how you are coming along.
I personally write it down in a notebook which is my food diary, but I have also used the RR app which I really recommend if you have a smartphone - it just depends if you prefer it being written down on paper or digitally!

***

Useful or not?
Now I'd definitely say it has been useful to refer to at times, but with keeping such a rigorous record of what I eat and when I eat it, I'd definitely say there are some negative points to bear in mind.

If you are recovering from an eating disorder- whether that be anorexia, binge eating, bulimia, EDNOS, orthadoxia, you name it!- deciding whether to keep a food diary or not can be difficult.
So I thought that I would do a post about the pros and cons to help you guys out.
I will not reach an overall conclusion as to whether it is a "good" or "bad" idea, I'll let you decide that for yourselves. It's important that you feel happy and comfortable with whatever you choose to do.

***

Side note - NOT a calorie counter
Also, can I just say right now that this food diary should NOT be a calorie counter! It is important to let go of your eating disorder and start eating for nutrition, calories do not matter in the slightest and should not be counted up in your diary if you can avoid it! - That's my advice anyway, obviously you can go against it if you wish.

***

Pros

• It allows you to keep track of your progress- how much you are eating and if you have a meal plan, whether you are managing to stick to it or not
• If you have a dietitian/ therapist/ counsellor/ keyworker, you can show it to them if you want to know if you are eating enough/ the right things/ sticking to your meal plan well enough etc.
• It can be useful to refer back to; for instance if you start losing weight you can look back on a period where you were gaining and see what you were eating then and how you could get back on the right track again
• By writing everything down you can get used to what you are eating and start accepting your new food plan more - but be warned, for some people writing it down may only make what you're eating seem more of a challenge.
• Many people who have eating disorders (myself included) like the feeling of control when they lose weight or don't eat etc., so by keeping a food diary you are still perfectly in control but in a new way which will lead to you getting rid of your eating disorder forever
• If you've eaten something that you found really hard like chocolate cake or something, when you write it down and write next to it how hard you found it, when you look back you will be able to see how brave you were for eating it and even if you don't feel it at the time, you will be proud of yourself

Cons

• Keeping a vigorous list of what you are eating can be another way of your eating disorder taking over - though you can always start off by writing it down and eventually stopping
• It is time consuming
• It may make you feel worse about what you are eating if you write it all down and it looks like such a large amount that you cannot cope with it
• It doesn't allow you to forget what you've eaten
• It may make it harder for you to move on from your eating disorder and leave it behind
• You may get anxious about somebody finding it
• It may frustrate you to see how long it takes for things to change and you to be able to eat more

***

It's up to you...

I've probably missed some points out by accident, but I think that is the majority of points I wanted to make. If anyone has any more suggestions leave them in the comments and I will add to the lists and give you credit of course (unless you ask to remain anonymous).

It is up to whoever is reading this to draw their own conclusion of whether they think it is right for them, and whether it will help them in their recovery. There is no right or wrong answer, everyone is different and it may help some people but not others.

Personally I agree with all the pros and cons and still haven't actually made up my mind wheter it is a good idea or not! - Having said that I still continue to do it anyway, ahah.

Hannah xox

All Shall Be Well

My English teacher sent me this quote in an email. She may work us hard but she really is so sweet and thoughtful. Sending me a quote in an email and wishing me the best of luck in my recovery? It's so kind. I love her, I can't imagine anything more thoughtful.

"All shall be well, and all shall be well and all

manner of things shall be well."

- Lady Julian of Norwich     

Hannah xox 

A snack here, a snack there...

Photo via here

I'm sure many of you feel the same way about snacking as me: that if you have 3 main meals AND 3 snacks, or more, you will gain TONS of weight and will turn into a potato within a few days.

Well you know what guys?

That's Ed talking. 

That simply isn't true!

You are NOT going to turn into a vegetable (in any situation this would be highly unlikely) just from eating a little bit more!

Most of the time when you think you are eating so much more than everyone else, you are actually only eating a normal amount of maybe even less!

Yet again- that's Ed playing tricks!

When you've lost weight and you've been eating too little, your body needs the fuel to repair your cells and keep your internal organs safe and running. Surprisingly, a few kilograms really doesn't make much difference to the way you look, much of it will go to padding your internal organs etc to make sure they are well protected and can run properly.

Photo via here

Also, most of us see ourselves a lot bigger than we actually are.

If you are underweight there is no way you are fat! - whatever you might see.

If you aren't underweight and you have a healthy BMI with an eating disorder, it must be such a huge struggle- but you shouldn't compare yourself to others. You should be proud of the fact that your body is healthy even if your mind isn't quite, and you should work on the mental things until your ED is gone for good.

And can I just point out, is "fat" the worst a person can be? 

People who judge you on how you look don't deserve to be part of your life. However cheesy it ,at sound, it's true: it's what's on the inside that counts.

Also, snacking is completely normal! Tons of my friends snack all the time, they eat loads of chocolate and biscuits and "unhealthy" foods without a care, and they aren't fat!

People eat food to enjoy it. It's time we started to do that again.

I know many people with EDs hate eating in front of other people or in public (myself included), but really- everyone eats and most people don't think twice about it!

- who really cares if there's a girl sitting on a beach in the park eating a chocolate bar?

Who cares if you're walking down the high street and you see a boy eating a packet of crisps?

No one. Most people don't even think about it, let alone judge someone because they are eating or what they're eating! 

So why not just eat wherever? Yes, people who know you have an eating disorder might just keep am eye on you to check you are eating, but that's only because they care and they want to help. 

And if you eat something and you think it's really yummy? Good for you! Don't let Ed make you feel guilty by saying you shouldn't be enjoying food- because you should!

People eat for all sorts of reasons, not just if they are hungry!

People eat when they're bored, tired, emotional, at a social event- anything!

Eating is just part of life- Ed us just a lying twat.

***

I think I've made most of my points here, sorry it was so long! 

I hope this helps someone. Thinking about it all and writing it down has really helped me.

***

So, my lessons from this post?

.
- eat what you want

- where you want

- when you want.

- snacking is a normal human behaviour

- no one cares what or when you eat

- nobody in public will stare at you for eating

- Ed will often try to trick you- so watch out!

- "fat" is not the worst a person can

- have people in your life who care about who you are, not what you look like

- enjoy food because that's what it's there for!

***

I'll leave you with this little photo which made me smile.

Let's all have the same attitude as Winnie the Pooh.

Photo from here

- Hannah xox

Recovery is the only way forwards

"My worst days in recovery

are better than my best days in relapse."

- Kate Le Page     

Hannah xox 

For The First Time - my lyrics

I'm currently on bed rest at home (waiting for a bed to become available at an inpatient unit >.< ) so I decided to carry on with my blog a bit more.

I started writing these lyrics a few days ago and I wasn't going to do anything with them, but seeing as I have time I thought I'd share it with you.

My lyrics are about the battle in my head and my thoughts with anorexia- it isn't triggering but it isn't exactly happy either.

Please tell me what you think of it and if you want me to publish more song lyrics/poems/writing.

***

This is For The First Time, by The Script.

Have no idea why I chose this song, I just started writing lyrics to it and had it in my head!